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veekBack in Boston for a week, trying my best not to angst about the meeting on Tuesday, which could in theory disallow me to do what I want to do with my academic life for the next several years. Tired of angsting, I have no more energy to do so.
Friday was a reminder of why I love working with the new[er] people on my departmental project - we were abuzz with energy and got a lot done, planning for the next semester. This weekend is filled with seeing the non-work-related people I have been wanting to see.
Meeting my best friend's friends and lovers, and seeing her for the first time since last June (this is really, really too long) was a reminder of how much I miss and love her, how intense a person she is. The community she is building around herself is appealing to me on many levels, and I will be part of it when I am back in the country for good, even if I live as far as Providence. [There is more, much more to say about her. Perhaps I will, another time.]
Meeting another friend in a coffee shop last night was a reminder of all the emotional baggage associated with that particular [favorite] coffee shop, and with said friend, who dated my Worst Relationship for a while. (I didn't mind the dating, I minded my own Worst Relationship, unnecessarily cruel and untruthful, which hurt me more than I'd ever thought possible. Now, over half a year after the end of the friendship I'd tried to salvage, I am still evidently not over the hurt.)
This was apparently such a vivid reminder that N. was in my dream last night. He was at my house (wherever that was), together with other people, don't remember them much. He initiated a conversation with me to the effect of "I want to deal with this, this shouldn't be hanging over our heads [it is not hanging over his in real life, I can guarantee you], I need you to believe I am not a bad person, this is important to me." The real N. would never say this. He is not self-aware enough by my standards, though he is very intelligent. (C. and I were talking yesterday about a hypothetical 3-dimensional plane on which we as people are built - intelligence, knowledge and wisdom. He certainly has plenty of the first two, which is why it was so difficult for me to reconcile the imbalance with the wisdom part - I'd never met someone before whose ego and insecurities would simply prevent it from developing.) Even in the dream I was suspicious. But so, so glad, though I was trying not to show it, because for the first time he seemed completely there with me.
Alas, only a dream. But a strong reminder of what I am: after all this time, after all the hurt and bullshit, I still wish him well, and buried somewhere very deep in me is the desire to not only reconcile but to know this person more deeply than he ever allowed me to. This will not happen, but I will not change the part of my self which cares so much about him, as I've cared for all the people whom I've loved.
Friday was a reminder of why I love working with the new[er] people on my departmental project - we were abuzz with energy and got a lot done, planning for the next semester. This weekend is filled with seeing the non-work-related people I have been wanting to see.
Meeting my best friend's friends and lovers, and seeing her for the first time since last June (this is really, really too long) was a reminder of how much I miss and love her, how intense a person she is. The community she is building around herself is appealing to me on many levels, and I will be part of it when I am back in the country for good, even if I live as far as Providence. [There is more, much more to say about her. Perhaps I will, another time.]
Meeting another friend in a coffee shop last night was a reminder of all the emotional baggage associated with that particular [favorite] coffee shop, and with said friend, who dated my Worst Relationship for a while. (I didn't mind the dating, I minded my own Worst Relationship, unnecessarily cruel and untruthful, which hurt me more than I'd ever thought possible. Now, over half a year after the end of the friendship I'd tried to salvage, I am still evidently not over the hurt.)
This was apparently such a vivid reminder that N. was in my dream last night. He was at my house (wherever that was), together with other people, don't remember them much. He initiated a conversation with me to the effect of "I want to deal with this, this shouldn't be hanging over our heads [it is not hanging over his in real life, I can guarantee you], I need you to believe I am not a bad person, this is important to me." The real N. would never say this. He is not self-aware enough by my standards, though he is very intelligent. (C. and I were talking yesterday about a hypothetical 3-dimensional plane on which we as people are built - intelligence, knowledge and wisdom. He certainly has plenty of the first two, which is why it was so difficult for me to reconcile the imbalance with the wisdom part - I'd never met someone before whose ego and insecurities would simply prevent it from developing.) Even in the dream I was suspicious. But so, so glad, though I was trying not to show it, because for the first time he seemed completely there with me.
Alas, only a dream. But a strong reminder of what I am: after all this time, after all the hurt and bullshit, I still wish him well, and buried somewhere very deep in me is the desire to not only reconcile but to know this person more deeply than he ever allowed me to. This will not happen, but I will not change the part of my self which cares so much about him, as I've cared for all the people whom I've loved.
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re: emotional baggage
Date: 2002-02-10 05:51 (UTC)I'd like to confess that your dream sounds familiar to me ... only in my situation I'm kind of on the other end of the story. There are events from a certain past relationship -- including some serious non-self-awareness on my part -- that are still on my conscience. I would like to say things to my ex that are kind of similar to what your ex said in your dream. But I doubt I'll do so anytime soon...I think I'm afraid that either (a) she'd simply reject my appeal out of hand, or (b) I can't be ``completely there'' with her without hurting her even more.
It's too bad we can't arrange to swap important pieces of our emotional baggage ;-)
Sounds like you're having a bittersweet visit back to the USA. Good luck this week.
Peter
Re: emotional baggage
Date: 2002-02-10 09:30 (UTC)No two situations are ever the same; mine is not as black and white as it may have come across. I allowed it to happen to me, and I did not conduct myself wisely with respect to the other person. Some of this can be attributed to mixed signals on his part; some - to clinginess and excessive trust in what he said (as opposed to what he did) on mine. I've learned a lot from it, and that allows me to cut myself some slack when I regret the way it ended, and wish things were different. There isn't much I can do about it; tried too hard for too long anyway, being not one to easily give up on people I love. There are enough people in my life who love me back in very concrete ways, and who give context to this, such that I can go on and expend my energy on more productive things than pining for what can't be, and - in the end - for a [interpersonal] relationship that just isn't worth my time.